On How Annoying It Is To Act Out Of Character

There are times when the Internet, as a medium of communicating ideas effectively, is superb. Informing hundreds of people, in dozens of countries across the world, about commonly held beliefs that are actually fallacies, for instance, is an excellent example of moving this communication power from theory into practice. Sharing your home-made "comedy" shows, filled with poorly thought-out innuendo and in-jokes that likely only the people involved in the production will actually get is...another example...I suppose.

There are times, however, that it is incredibly, almost painfully difficult to get across just exactly what tone of voice you are using, or what the true intention of your message is. This has, admittedly, been made easier by the use of two major (and numerous minor, I suppose) techniques, the first being varying styles of fonts to express differing levels of stress within speech (for example, this looks like I am really stressing the word this to you.) The other is a wide array of emoticons, ranging from the rather banal : ) (representing joy) to the much less frequently seen Orz (which is a figure begging for forgiveness from another.)

Please Forgive Me, Let Me Orz

Still, until they either invent a web-standard typeface that is all quivery, or I find a suitable emoticon to express the feeling of "shaking in my high-tops" (non sarcastically), I just won't be able to properly get across the feeling that is going through my head right now, nor the feeling that has plagued me far too many times in the past week. There has been, in this time period, somewhat of a disturbance in my Tigeroscity, which is unusual because it's rare that things cause me to act...well...not like me. Especially when it comes to matters of confidence and such.

This story starts a little while ago...January 11th, I believe, when I left CSM and started in App Development. This position, like many of its kind, comes with a probationary period. A probationary period which, apparently, ends tomorrow, culminating in a meeting with my 'team leader' about how I am to progress in my role here. I should not be nervous about this meeting. I do my job well, and receive nothing but glowing compliments from the people I help. This kind of meeting is not something that is new to me - I've passed through probationary periods successfully before, after all. Even my team leader himself has told me that I have nothing to worry about, and that it's all good. So why, then, am I filled with a constant looming sense of dread that I'm going to be flayed alive tomorrow?

Except I'm A Boy! Woo!!

This is, currently, exacerbated by the fact that I managed to give myself a rather large hand-burn on Saturday. As the story goes, I was cooking tonkatsu for Elmo, Kylie, and myself, and as I placed the final breaded pork cutlet in the oil something there caused a massive eruption of boiling vegetable fat, which splattered up and caught the sides of my right index and pinky fingers, and the little divet in between. This meant that I spent the entirety of Saturday night in varying amounts of pain (which lessened significantly once I figured out that Aloe Vera gel and fan on high speed could produce a brilliant cooling effect.) It also means that I'm now left with a blister that is approximately 5cm long, and exceptionally annoying due to its placement on my hand. So I figured I'd use part of my lunch-break to wiki "Blister" to see what would come up, and determine just how long I'd be plagued by this thing for.

It was at this time that my aforementioned 'team leader' (who is supposed [and there's that emphasis again] to be in Wagga) showed up behind me to officially introduce himself to me. Of course, like many people, I tend to work with my headphones in, so that I can get into the 'coding zone', which led to him getting my attention just out of the corner of my eye, and me jumping about two feet whilst yelling "Augh!" in a Charlie Brown-esque fashion. I spent the entire time he was in my cubicle worrying about what he must think of me, using wikipedia on the work computers (regardless of whose time I was using) and mumbling something about how I'd like to work on the iPhone project. Go me.

And then there is strange issue number three, and although this one has already been explained to me, I find it the most frustrating of all. I see SPG around campus and downtown. A lot. I want to go up to him and ask him how he's going. I want to invite him to D&D nights. I want to know if he likes gaming or anime. Instead I just kind of stand there and giggle a little bit to myself - shyly. I am not used to being shy. In fact, having not really experienced shyness before, I can safely say that - now I have felt it - it is not something that I endorse in any way. I've discussed this with Spud, X-Man, and the gang, and they have all agreed that it just means that I am, indeed, human, and not a very advanced machine (assuming that very advanced machines can't develop crushes on people.) This does not, however, make it any less frustrating for me to be so uncharacteristically bashful around someone. Usually if I want to talk to someone I will do it, and to hell with the consequences. Why should I care if SPG approves of D&D - if he doesn't like it then there is no big loss. So why does this matter so much?

I Just Wanted To Post This Awesome Steampunk Segue

The moral of this story is that the human condition is something that I still find slightly foreign. I'm not used to lacking confidence in interacting with people, nor am I used to doubting my own safety when it comes to meetings. Sure, I worry about things that I have little control over, but only when it directly affects me (for instance: will I get this house I'm applying for, etc.) and things that are within my control...well...I'm affecting them, so if I don't do well then it's my own fault, and I'll suck it up. It's the way I figure the world should work, and when my own personal world fails to live up to that expectation...well...it's disconcerting.